


Drunk Dialing the Capsicle

by thescarletwoman



Category: The Avengers (2012), The Avengers - All Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Drunk Dialing, M/M, there are feels and they may be sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-22
Updated: 2012-08-22
Packaged: 2017-11-12 15:44:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/492904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thescarletwoman/pseuds/thescarletwoman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Drabble] Tony gets very, very drunk and Steve Rogers is on the receiving end of a late night phone call. One man thinks he's hilarious -- the other is so not amused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drunk Dialing the Capsicle

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a prompt request on tumblr. This is pure crack -- and why I should never write after midnight. I also promise I'm not drunk writing.

"Schteve? SCHTEEEEEEEBEEEEE!"

A groan and a yawn. It's far too late, and he's much too tired to deal with who is on the other end of the phone.

"Hello, you've reached Steve Rogers--"

"Schteve, I know yer sthere. That'snoot what yer voiceymaily thingeramabob sounds like! You silly Spangled bum."

A sigh. "Yes, Tony. I'm here. It's also three-thirty in the morning. Which begs the question of where are you? Why aren't you, y'know, in bed?"

"Workshing."

Another sigh. "Tony, Workshing is not a word. And my name is not Schteve, it's Steve."

"Yer sho funnnnnnnnie Capshicle."

"Tony." There's a long pause. "Tonight was the fundraiser. The one I couldn't attend with you because I had to train the new recruits. That's not working. You also promised you were going to come straight back to the Tower when it was over."

"I ksnows!! This happend. This... this was… aaaaaaafter." A giggle that sounds like a snort. "Open bar. So I decidedesd to attempt DRUUUUUNK SCHIIIIIIIIIENCE!"

"And at what point did drunk and science in the same sentence sound like a good idea?"

"I THOUGHTEST OF IT. ERGOSIC IT IS BRIIIILLIANCE."

"Good god, Tony. What did you drink?" Another pause, the realization dawns. "You drank tequila, didn't you? Scotch makes you pass out, rum makes you morose, and vodka doesn't have much of an effect. If you're this loopy, you had to have drunk tequila."

"Heeeeeeeey. He's a schmart Capshicle. I drank marghariiiiiiiiitas. Ai-yai-yaaaaaaai!"

"TONY!" A shake of the head, rubbing an ear to stop the ringing. "No screeching or any other yell that you think is appropriate. It's not. I'm hanging up now."

"SCHTEEEEEEEEEBIEBEBIEEEEEE."

"Tony? This conversation is over."

"NOoooooooOOOooOOOoo. If it was you'd have hung up already."

"I'm hanging up now."

"BUUUUUUTT! Heh! BUTTS. BUTTSEX."

"We are not having this conversation."

"Why not? You like buttsex."

Another, very long sigh. "Tony, you are drunk."

"Hey, my boyfriend is so damn fucking schmaaaaaart."

"And mine is drunk as a skunk. And watch your language."

"SCHEEEEEBE you made a funny!"

"Good night, Tony."

_CLICK_

_RING._

_RING. RING. RIIIIIING._

_RING. STEVE YOU WILL ANSWER ME! NOW PICK ME UP!!!_

A loud shriek and scuffling for the phone.

"YAAAAAAAAYE IT WORKED."

"Oh my gosh what did you do to my phone!?"

"IT WOOOOORKED. I'll be riiiiiiichierichierich!"

"I'm unsure why a man needs even more money. Nor do I really get why a phone needs to shout in your voice demanding to be answered."

"You pickshed it upsies, now didn't youses?"

"Utterly beside the point."

"Steeeeeeebiebobbieboooooobie. HAHAHAHA. BOOBIES! But you don't have boobies. Pepper has boobies. They go boinga-boinga-boooing."

"Anthony Stark."

"NOOOOooOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not the FULL name! Am I in trubles?"

A very long, suffering sigh. "No. You're not. Where are you?"

"GUEEEEEESSIES!"

"I'm not playing guessing games. Not at four am. I want to sleep."

"I wantses to sleep WIFTH you."

"You get the couch."

"Awww. Stebeies."

"Oh that's the worst one yet."

"Steeeeebiebobbiebooooobie."

"No, my mistake. That one is worse. Took hearing it for a second time to make up my mind."

The sound of a bottle opening. And chugging.

"NO! NO MORE BOOZE!"

"Yooooooou weren't here to stooooopses meeeeeeee. Because someone is a shpucking schpoil schport."

"Glad to know you get a lisp when you chug tequila."

"Uh-oh."

"What."

"Uuuuuuuh oooooooooooh. WHOooopsie daaaaisies. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuummie. CLEAN upsies!"

The sound of a head bashing against the headboard.

"Steeeeevies? Did you hurt yourself?"

"I only wish. Remind me why I'm dating you."

"Because I have an enormoush coooock. WELL. Not compared to schomeone's magggggic missile! Roll d-12 for daaaamage."

"Are you in the garage?"

"YAAAAAAYE. He gotshes it. Coming to have a drinksiepoo?"

"No. I'm coming to carry your drunk bottom back to bed, you moron."

"I'm snot a moronses. YOU are."

"I'm not the one who is calling at four am, barely able to string two sentences together."

"YEAH WELL."

"That's not an excuse."

"…Scteve?"

"Yes, Tony?"

"Comes down to the garages?"

There's a sniffle on the other end of the phone.

"Please…?"

A sigh on this end of the phone.

"Tony?"

"Yesh, babes?"

"Next year on the anniversary of your dad's death, can we stick to the scotch? And will you let me drink with you? I can't keep doing this every year."

"I'll try."

"I'm coming."

_CLICK._


End file.
